is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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