we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
