That's when you crack a 10am beer
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
