I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
