I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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