Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
