remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
