Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
