Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
