duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
and you fell through a lawn chair
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My vagina just clenched in fear
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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