omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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