God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
