peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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