I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
