Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
