that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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