So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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