How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
