She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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