You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
