I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
