Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
