If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
