Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
