I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
