Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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