dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
