Welp...herpes.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
