He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
