I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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