Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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