Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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