it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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