i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
