just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
