Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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