We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
