My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
