mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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