i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just invented taco cereal.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
