My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
