He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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