A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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