either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
