dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
