I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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