a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
