hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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