Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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