I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
