I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
